We Tokyo In Awesome Are

So, I arrived in Tokyo.

That's right, Jeff. Tokyo. And you're not here, but guess who is...

That's right. Leanne's on MY side, now.

We rode the high speed train to Yuko's apartment. Nearing the seats, we were greeted with, "Hello, Americans, we will turn and warm your cushions for you." 

It was nice.

So, let me just say, the war is on!

We went to this awesome shrine.

Because Leanne was thirsty.

Jeff, you suck. I will drink all of this sake just to spite you.

Your life is terrible.

I got a hangover, drinking with Yuko and her friends.

So in the morning, we went to get some...RAMEN.

You guys suck.

"Oh Lazy Bones..."

Warning: This may be too painful to hear. Especially coming from your own father.

You may recall the maniacal laughter from your childhood.

You're Welcome!

Part I:

Part II:

And I'm waiting for my check...

I'm Having More Fun than You

Valenti's Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day Danny!

Texican Monkeys

Yes, I admit that I have been somewhat jealous of your monkeys.

Recently, however, I discovered that I am actually living with a Texican Monkey. This a rare breed of baboon that zoologists in the Texas Hill Country stumbled upon during the spring of 2004.

They are famous for their ear-splitting howl. Here is some rare footage:



I think it is safe to say that the Texican Monkeys are far superior to any of those monkeys in Thailand.

This statue kinda reminded me of you.
















That's you.

Jeff Parker

Blood Orange Cake

This is hands down the best chocolate cake I've ever, EVER had...

I kinda feel bad for posting this but here we go:

The only way to top off a blood orange cake is to actually top it off with a slice of blood orange. Take another look:

Oh, and You Missed Dragons

Happy New Year...

Oh wait, where you're living doesn't celebrate Chinese New Year

Which means You probably didn't SEE any dragons.

Wow, a fire-breather. Cool.

I'm at a loss from words. Your life has no meaning.

Half-hearted--I think not.

I have to imagine it's quite the blow to an ego to have people half-way around the world so enthusiastic that you're not here. I mean, this is Santiago, from Argentina, and he really was pretty "feliz" that "no estas aqui."

I mean, it's not that hard to figure out.

You do kinda suck.

You go to bed early.

Your favorite topic of conversation is Panamanian STDs.

And you're you.

BREAKING NEWS: Disaster in Valenti Kitchen - 1 Casualty Reported

Danny, I regret to inform you of some terrible news.

Please sit down and brace yourself. Take a few deep breathes. Inhale. Now Exhale. Clear your mind and focus on your inner chi.

Good... Are you calm? I hope so.

Well, you know the routine:

1)Tilt head vertically
2) Place bucket on ground
3) Press 'Play'
4) Allow tears to drop in bucket

Breaking News: Jeff is too "professorial" to attach a video

Dear Jeff:

This isn't amateur hour. So...

Take a breath.

Turn purple.

Say sorry to the millions of readers who come here each week.

Repost your video.

Wow, so you want to die young?

Wow, those pictures were probably supposed to be enticing, but seriously Jeff--have you thought about your health? I mean, surely you'd like to live past forty, and at this rate...wow. Try a carrot or something. Or better yet, a nice healthy piece of fish...

Oops...nevermind.

Of course, it's not your fault. You're landlocked, and all your seafood is coated in sour BP oil. Not much of a sauce, if you ask me--but maybe you like your black tar mustard.

As for me, I guess I have a few more options...

Why the Misogynistic Hate?

Dear Hoboy,

I have no problem with hatred. As in my hatred for you. But the term "health-freak pussy" is a very crude term loaded with all sorts of misogynistic hate. Why? What did women ever do to you (besides bringing you into this world)? By the way, does your mother know that you use these words?

I recommend that you choose your hate-filled words more carefully (you consider yourself a writer of sorts, don't you). And for the record I do not think of myself as a "health nut." In fact, I believe indulgence with moderation is a superb thing. Take for example my recent outing to a local pub with wonderful food: the Black Sheep Lodge.

You may recall this joint but in case you don't here is the logo:


Perhaps I have discovered the source of your unbridled misogyny: your inability to find chili cheese dogs and onion rings in your futile quest for spiritual enlightenment in South East Asia. Go ahead, scratch and sniff.


Also, get a better look at those delicious onion rings.


This is me devouring my first bite of the chili cheese dog while thinking about how pathetic your lame fried chicken and cold sausage looked. Do you see the hatred in my eyes for you?


Oh, let's not forget the beer:

Sucker...

And another thing--you don't know_____

Jeff, when did you become such a *darn lame dude?

There, I said it.

In response, suck it (see below)

That's right. Suck on that chicken wing. Go cry to KFC

There are so many sausage jokes to make...

By the way, I really think that you're lame. I mean, soup? It's like you're not even trying.

In the immortal words of The Simpsons, "you don't make friends with salad."

*Note: above blog has been edited, because apparently Jeff is a sensitive little PC baby and naughty language makes him kwy.

Yummy Soup: a Response to 4 cent Donuts

Oh Danny... You should really try to eat more healthy on the road.

I've been eating wonderfully healthy, especially with Leanne cooking so much lovely food for me recently. Take for example this soup made with fresh local vegetables (not imported high-fructose corn-syrup and other crazy ingredients that allow you to buy 4 cent donuts...). Also, I should add that the soup was cheaper than your donuts: it was free! (Thanks Leanne!)

I want to apologize for my editorial staff who could not rotate the video below vertically due to their pressing deadline. Therefore I have special instructions to maximize your cinematic experience.

Viewing Directions:

1)Tilt head horizontally to the left.
2) Place bucket on ground below your head.
2) Press 'Play' icon.
3) Allow tears to drop in bucket.

Eating Your Soul

There's actually weeks worth of photos and videos illustrating why I'm "GYNH," but when I saw these lovelies today I knew I had to show you.

Each of these cost 2 baht, or 6 cents. But that's not the point. The point is that your life sucks. You know, you had a good couple of videos after months of abject failure. Congrats. And sometimes, I'm having such a good time, seeing so many amazing things, that I forget that in the end, this is about something simple. My life being better than yours.

And here's just a tiny example.

More to come...

Parcheesi Update: the Winner Speaks!

Danny, I know how you hate it when you don't know who wins a game.

So, without further ado:

Fly on the Wall: Parcheesi Edition

Leaves? Leaves and some random people half-heartedly (at best) agreeing with you? That's suppose to make me feel... what... envious? Jealous? Upset?

Danny, let me ask a more personal question: are they really your friends? Do they play parcheesi with you? Hold on... let me guess: NO. Who would want to play parcheesi with you anyway?

I'm worried about you. I can imagine how you must feel frightfully alone in need of my warm embrace. Or even a shoulder to cry on at night when nobody else will truly accept you for who you are? May this video comfort you instead:



Oh yeah, "ka-blam!" I know you can do better.

Dear Professor:

As if. Wow, it's Leanne Leanne Leanne, all of a sudden. Wow, what an original concept! Strike the heart. I'd do the same, but it's hard to attack erudite thesis statements and footnotes. Oh, and I noticed that you FINALLY decided to follow in my footsteps and use clever labels. And it only took you months.

You suck .Sorry, but it's true. Even your wife thinks so. She just stays with you for the sweet sweet American visa.

What I'll grant it that your tamale video was good. I think you're finally starting to understand showmanship, instead of just ejaculating your poorly-formed slights onto the screen. Congrats.

But seriously, did you SEE those leaves?

It's getting to the point where I'm having trouble deciding how exactly to make you feel bad about your station in life and how inferior it is to mine. Waterfalls, mountains, fried noodles, fresh fish, beer Laos, the list goes on.

So I've gone with leaves. Big freaking leaves. Peace out.

Garbage Bags. Lots and Lots of Garbage Bags.

Geez, Danny what did you ever say to her about garbage bags. I never understood why you couldn't just let Leanne live her life without worrying about running out of them. Do you see now the path of destruction and deep emotional scars on peoples lives that you've left behind in your wake of "me me me." This should give you pause for self-examination.



It must make you very sad to hear Leanne say that she's glad you're not here. Me? Whatever. Leanne? Ohhh, I feel a little bad for you.

Hot Tamales!

Dear Hopelessman,

Here is a special little moment from a tamale making party. Don't worry, we sent you some in the mail. Have they arrived?

A Reality Check

That's right. My photo speaks for itself. For the record, that's not even my swimming hole. It's just my bathroom.

Oh, and Naoko, I'm shocked and dismayed that you would enter this blogular battle. I mean, we both know that the only thing good and true in Jeff's life right now is you (awwww)

Leanne. Three of the notes you sung were flat in that previous post. And it sounded like you got punched in the &*^&%%*^&.

So to all of you, glad you're not here and all that.

I'm gonna get some sticky rice.

Barton Springs Can Suck It

Barton Springs sucks, Jeff.

There, I said it. It's not that we didn't have any good times there, but after seeing Kuang Si Waterfall pools, Barton Springs looks it was filled by a puking undergrad desperately seeking acceptance. 

You got your wife to fight your battle, then my girl.

Gloves are off, jerk.

Hope you have bed bugs.

A Message from Leanne

This is actually kinda sweet. Only Leanne...

A Message from Naoko