Blood Orange Cake

This is hands down the best chocolate cake I've ever, EVER had...

I kinda feel bad for posting this but here we go:

The only way to top off a blood orange cake is to actually top it off with a slice of blood orange. Take another look:

Oh, and You Missed Dragons

Happy New Year...

Oh wait, where you're living doesn't celebrate Chinese New Year

Which means You probably didn't SEE any dragons.

Wow, a fire-breather. Cool.

I'm at a loss from words. Your life has no meaning.

Half-hearted--I think not.

I have to imagine it's quite the blow to an ego to have people half-way around the world so enthusiastic that you're not here. I mean, this is Santiago, from Argentina, and he really was pretty "feliz" that "no estas aqui."

I mean, it's not that hard to figure out.

You do kinda suck.

You go to bed early.

Your favorite topic of conversation is Panamanian STDs.

And you're you.

BREAKING NEWS: Disaster in Valenti Kitchen - 1 Casualty Reported

Danny, I regret to inform you of some terrible news.

Please sit down and brace yourself. Take a few deep breathes. Inhale. Now Exhale. Clear your mind and focus on your inner chi.

Good... Are you calm? I hope so.

Well, you know the routine:

1)Tilt head vertically
2) Place bucket on ground
3) Press 'Play'
4) Allow tears to drop in bucket

Breaking News: Jeff is too "professorial" to attach a video

Dear Jeff:

This isn't amateur hour. So...

Take a breath.

Turn purple.

Say sorry to the millions of readers who come here each week.

Repost your video.

Wow, so you want to die young?

Wow, those pictures were probably supposed to be enticing, but seriously Jeff--have you thought about your health? I mean, surely you'd like to live past forty, and at this rate...wow. Try a carrot or something. Or better yet, a nice healthy piece of fish...

Oops...nevermind.

Of course, it's not your fault. You're landlocked, and all your seafood is coated in sour BP oil. Not much of a sauce, if you ask me--but maybe you like your black tar mustard.

As for me, I guess I have a few more options...

Why the Misogynistic Hate?

Dear Hoboy,

I have no problem with hatred. As in my hatred for you. But the term "health-freak pussy" is a very crude term loaded with all sorts of misogynistic hate. Why? What did women ever do to you (besides bringing you into this world)? By the way, does your mother know that you use these words?

I recommend that you choose your hate-filled words more carefully (you consider yourself a writer of sorts, don't you). And for the record I do not think of myself as a "health nut." In fact, I believe indulgence with moderation is a superb thing. Take for example my recent outing to a local pub with wonderful food: the Black Sheep Lodge.

You may recall this joint but in case you don't here is the logo:


Perhaps I have discovered the source of your unbridled misogyny: your inability to find chili cheese dogs and onion rings in your futile quest for spiritual enlightenment in South East Asia. Go ahead, scratch and sniff.


Also, get a better look at those delicious onion rings.


This is me devouring my first bite of the chili cheese dog while thinking about how pathetic your lame fried chicken and cold sausage looked. Do you see the hatred in my eyes for you?


Oh, let's not forget the beer:

Sucker...