Hot Springs, Hot Tea, Hot Food--an open letter to Jeff Parker

Dear Jeff:

It's cute you're trying. I mean, after nearly a month of half-posts and pathetic defenses of a cat, for god's sake, you finally come up with a list. Cute. Problem is, your format is totally unoriginal, and you're not as funny as David Letterman, who is, in turn, not as funny as half a sandwich stuffed in an oreo cookie container.

So let's get real.

Take a look at this.

I chose to only show you the outside of this hot springs theme park. Yes, that's right--it's not a typo. It's a theme park WITH, nay, BUILT around a natural hot springs. Inside, there were slides and a wave pool and four different hot springs. There was also a petting zoo--I won't further humiliate you by telling you which animals (monkeys).

I also didn't want you to think that my relative silence the last few weeks was some admission that you are, in fact, clever. Granted, it was a sly move to send that family of Indians to steal my camera, wallet, and ipod. But let's face it. You've got nothing on me, Parker. For example: two weeks ago, when you were sipping on your Vagina juice hot tea that your poor wife has to cover for and say is hers, I was in the Cameron Highlands, having fresh tea. Take a look.

I mean, look at all that beautiful tea. But don't worry, I'm sure Liptons is delicious too--if you have the pallet of a commoner.

I'm not even sure it's worth the effort to explain to you how good this dish was--eel, fried fish, peanuts, and a delicious spicy red sauce. So I'll just mention that it cost a dollar. But it's cool--you've got great seafood in Texas. All BP oil-encrusted. Mmm...so.....good....